


I've got you babe

by Fairy (laterie)



Series: KINGS [10]
Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Based on Real Events, Breaking Things, Fighting, Jealousy, Longing, M/M, i hate and love this fic but it had to be done, marriage life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:35:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23775442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laterie/pseuds/Fairy
Summary: What was music, who was GOT7, what was idol life? Mark hated himself with a passion.Fuck it all.He wanted his husband back.
Relationships: Mark Tuan/Jackson Wang
Series: KINGS [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1569673
Comments: 5
Kudos: 38





	I've got you babe

**Author's Note:**

> You can pick the ending. Was it happy or not? It depends on your decision.

Right the moment when Mark closed the door from the studio, a hand snatched him away and dragged him into shadows of trees and buildings. The grass over there was uncut, and Mark almost knocked himself over a part of the construction as Jackson pulled him forward between the bushes and crushed their lips together, smearing the rest of Mark’s lipstick over his mouth.

Mark fisted Jackson’s jacket and closed his eyes, trying not to moan too loud. It was all he could think about since the moment the makeup artist painted Jackson’s lips with the glitters. Mark was sitting in the corner and watched his husband perform for the cameras, silently rubbing his palms against each other. Youngjae called him _obvious,_ and Bambam added: ‘ _even in this dark corner, you’re too obvious.’_ Well, _fuck them,_ Mark thought as he watched Jackson with only one goal in his brain; to throw him against a wall and kiss him senselessly.

They had separated photoshoots, so Mark kept staring at Jackson and almost stumbled over the equipment when they could meet for a few seconds. Jackson giggled behind his hand and ran away from his embarrassed husband. The next moment they had for each other was during the launch time. Mark brought coffee for them and locked the door from one of the staff’s caravan. Jackson tried to hide behind a decorative curtain, blaming Mark for looking too dangerous. Even if it was funny, it wasn’t. Mark put the two plastic cups on the table and almost ripped the curtain away as he pulled Jackson out by his waist to himself, whispering, _'I've got you.'_ Mark was just a second away from a kiss when someone knocked on the door. They both got startled and jumped away from each other. Mark opened the door with the speed of light only to find a chuckling Jinyoung with Yugyeom. _‘what’s up, hyung, do you have coffee? But extra bitter?’_

It went like this for the rest of the day. Mark could feel Jackson’s eyes full of admiration and love that make Mark’s chest blooming into a garden with each passed second. Mark worked hard through the whole shooting and ended it with two selfies using a rose as an accessory. One photo was officially for the album goods, and the other he took with his phone, he sent to Jackson, who texted back as: _‘aren’t you the prettiest rose.’ Winking emoji._

Actually, it didn’t end up there, because Jackson kept texting Mark things like:

_You look so fucking beautiful I am gonna rip my own heart out and throw it at you_

_Can you bring that lacy thing you’re wearing home? It’s sexy_

The next five messages were in Chinese and the rest of three in Korean.

All of them sounded the same, and every time Mark wanted to reply, the staff members called him to check his photos, or for games, interview, for a chat. It was a fantastic day full of unlucky combinations for the husbands. For example, when Mark was putting on his contacts, he saw Jackson peaking over the fake scenery painting. It could’ve been easy, as Mark smiled at him and waved to come when the cameraman appeared with BamBam.

But all of that seemed to blur now as Jackson was pushing his tongue into Mark’s mouth, tasting the black coffee he had before he went to change. If you could ask Mark how it did feel to be pressed against his husband while being kissed like there’s no tomorrow, he would answer _fuckingfastic._ His hands started to wander under Jackson’s shirt, his index finger playfully circling his navel. They had to eventually separate because Mark had a full nose and couldn’t properly breathe during the kiss.

“You look so fucking sexy. Wearing an oversized sweater with tight pants... I’m gonna rip you apart, baby.” Jackson slurred before he bit into Mark’s bottom lip and tugged at it, pulling Mark closer again.

Mark whined at that, taking Jackson’s face between his palms to steady him. He was sure that Jackson just started ripping him by starting with Mark’s mouth. Jackson’s teeth sank deeper into his flesh, tearing another painful moan from Mark. _That_ was pure desperation, but Mark didn’t feel different from his husband; however, he would like to keep his mouth in one piece. He clasped Jackson’s jaw and pressed his thumb into his cheek, which made Jackson ease his teeth and free Mark from the deadly clasp.

“Shit, I bleed,” Mark felt the metallic taste on his tongue; he rubbed his fingers over his abused bottom lip and sighed at the trails of blood on his skin.

When Mark looked at Jackson, his husband was chewing his own lip and staring at Mark like a guilty puppy. Mark narrowed his eyes at him, letting the tension grow until he sighed and then playfully poked Jackson right into his nipple. He giggled as he didn’t even aim precisely but made it directly into the middle of the target.

“That’s not funny,” Jackson covered his molested nipple with his hand, but only three seconds at that, he was giggling and poking Mark back.

“Just wait, what will I do to your small nipples when we’re home!” Jackson laughed as he dodged Mark’s slender fingers successfully.

After that, Mark went full force and wiggled his fingers, tickling Jackson’s sides and making him back to the studio's wall. The poor man had no chance to fight back. He squirmed and begged and tried to run away from Mark, but what made them stop was Jackson, who hit his head accidentally against the wall. Mark stopped dead serious, cradling Jackson’s head into his hands and examining the damage.

“I’m _fine…_ ” Jackson assured him gently, “it’s good.”

“Sorry,” Mark kissed his temple, where Jackson was hit and whispered another, “ _sorry,”_ against his skin.

Somehow the emotions and the intimacy were streaming from something else that the accident. Mark was now tightly holding Jackson, who had his head buried in the crook of his neck. That was longing, a desire to hide from curious eyes and stayed wrapped in each other’s arms forever.

“Love you,” Mark whispered into Jackson’s soft hair.

In moments like this, when Jackson felt vulnerable, the fact that they’re married always hit Mark differently. Jackson was trying to stay composed and positive most of the time, but when he turned this fragile, looking like a child in Mark’s arms, Mark felt incredibly powerful.

“Are you going to my place?” Mark asked when he felt Jackson playing with the hem of his oversized sweatshirt.

“Isn’t Yana there with Milo?”

“I texted her that I’m on my way home, so she’s already gone.”

Jackson nodded, “Mark, if she’s ever gonna find about _us._ ”

“She won’t, and even if she did, I trust her with this.” Mark tried to calm him down, “she’s basically in my apartment with Milo and all my personal stuff, Jacks. If she wanted to expose me, she would like, sell my furniture, or made a home tour, or…”

Jackson’s eyes widened, “I understand, thank you, that’s enough. Let’s go home before you make me lose my shit.” He grabbed Mark by his hand and led them through the bushes back to the private parking lot.

“I’ll follow you,” Jackson waved at him before he unlocked his car.

If you would ask Mark, well, he has been thinking about this moment a lot during the whole day. How would he end it with Jackson in the jacuzzi at home, relaxing, kissing, then maybe he would get some because Jackson, after getting a massage, was always loose, and Mark didn’t have to spend more than a few minutes by preparing him. But, change of the planes, he wanted to cook dinner for them, and their shared place had a bare minimum of food since they’ve been too busy and spent most of their nights alone.

Mark checked if Jackson’s still following him through the rearview mirror. It was getting _stupid_ as they didn’t have time for each other as the comeback was near. Honestly, the last one wasn’t that intense like this one, and Mark could already feel exhausted and under a lot of pressure. While they had separated schedules or while Mark was in the studio, Jackson was alone and vice versa. So, now when they were with GOT7, everything settled down.

Even for the crumbs, Mark was happy.

By the end of the day, though alone, Jackson was still _his_ husband when he lay down.

**

“Shit, I am dead tired,” Jackson leaned against the wall of the elevator, “I’m gonna pass out.”

Mark smiled at him, gently caressing his cheek with the back of his fingers, “after you eat.”

“Oh, food, what’s food? I don’t know that word.”

“You don’t have to know it. It’s enough if you trust me with that word.”

“I trust you with my bank account, so,” Jackson sighed, “ _food_ be my famous last word.”

“ _Oh,_ really?” Mark played shocked, “do I know the password to your bank account?”

“You don’t?”

It was such a peaceful moment that Mark didn’t have to answer only look at his husband.

The elevator stopped, and as the automatic door revealed the corridor, their dialogue remained unspoken. Mark pulled out his keys from his apartment. The neighbor that one person Mark actually had as a living neighbor was fifty-five years old, CEO of an instant ramen company. When Mark had moved in, he found a gift basket in front of his door full of ramyeons. They barely talked, but the man was nice and had two daughters already married. He never saw them, but Jackson once spoke to one of them when they met in the hallway as Jackson headed home.

Mark unlocked the door and was met with darkness illuminated with candle lights. What the hell was Yana doing in his apartment? It was too soon to freak out, but the inner demon of Mark’s anxiety was already rattling with the chains inside his brain.

“Great, Mark,” Jackson whispered, “should I give her my key?”

“Yana!” he turned on the lights, “Yana!”

“Oppa!” her tiny and high voice break through the cold atmosphere like a poison arrow, straight into Mark’s brain, “ _you ruined it!”_

She whined as she ran from the kitchen in small footsteps and opened her arms when Mark was close enough to get hugged. Just like that, from zero to a hundred, Mark got baffled and remained speechless as she wrapped her slender arms around his chest. Well, _yeah,_ that was exactly what Mark needed after a long, exhausting day, one of his dear friends confessing to him in his own apartment full of candles. Not that fans have been already suspicious about her and thought Mark is dating, she pulled this out right in front of Jackson.

“Yana, what is going on?”

“I wanted to surprise you,” she pulled away with a smile, “you worked hard today.”

“Yana…” it was worse than Mark thought, “but the candles…”

“I made dinner, and you _know…_ ” Mark didn’t know, and he even didn’t want to know, “some rice cakes and soup.” She pressed her finger against Mark’s chest and shamelessly dragged it lower, across his body until she reached his stomach; that’s where Mark grabbed her wrist, and also that was when Jackson cleared his throat, finally revealing himself from the back of the lobby.

She froze on the spot, her eyes getting larger as she couldn’t help herself but stare at Jackson as if he suddenly appeared in front of her like a ghost. Mark untangled her hands from his body and sighed. The embarrassment dripped between them, each drop echoing in the silence of the room. Mark knew that he had a _lot_ to explain to Jackson, starting right at this minute.

“Yana, I think you should go. Thank you for today, for dinner too, but you should go.”

“But _oppa..._ ” she looked confused as she couldn’t stop turning her head from side to side, watching them in disbelief.

“We’ll talk later, I promise.” he then gently put his palm on her shoulder, “this is not the right time.”

Yana gave them one last look before she nodded and grabbed her bag from the couch. The poor woman looked so shaken and confused that she barely registered his existence in the room when she passed Jackson. Mark folded his arms on his chest, waiting until the door clicked behind her. Then he sighed and rubbed his face with his palms and groaned loudly.

“Well, _oppa,_ ” Jackson stepped closer, “seems like Yana wants to be more like a _nanny_ to your kids than your dog.”

“I’m gonna drown myself,” with these words, Mark turned around and started to put out all the candles, “she could've burned my house to the ground.”

“Well, you know,” Jackson didn’t seem to care about helping him to clean it up, “she could burn other things too, like dinner, herself, or our marriage.”

Mark gritted his teeth. In which universe Jackson lived so he could spare a second thought that Mark would leave him for someone else. He didn’t want to fight – was too tired for that anyway, so he kept collecting all the candles. Incredible how she put fifty candles into the living room. Good that Mark kept his bedroom locked. No way, there was wax on his wooden floor. _Fucking_ great, an early morning schedule for him.

What happened to her? Mark never thought about Yana more than about his friend or younger sister. She was always kind and respectful, helped him, and never asked for payback. He didn’t want to lose her as a friend, but it was already doubtful that he could save their friendship from turning it awkward.

Mark was curious about what made her believe that he could return her feelings.

“Are you done thinking about her?!”

Mark put all the candles into a box that was lying in the corner of the room, “yes, I’m done cleaning, thank you for your help, by the way.”

“All of that was for you, so I assumed I shouldn’t touch it.” Jackson’s voice was too sarky for Mark’s likening. The tone went through all the wrong places of his body.

“Do you wanna fight?” Mark asked straight out, as turned to Jackson, “seriously? One of my friends tried to confess to me, looking red like a tomato, and all you can do now is being jealous?”

“Am I, though?” Jackson frowned, “do I have a reason for that, Mark?”

“Stop,” Mark gestured him with his palm, “let it go, Gaga.” he went into the kitchen, but when he looked at the set table with burning candles, he started to feel like a _prick._

Yana has put so much effort into it, and all Mark had for her was a cold shoulder and a quick _goodbye._ Mark wasn’t made of stone to just brush it off so efficiently. She was his good friend since Mark moved away from the GOT7’s dorms.

“Well, at least we can be sure she doesn’t know about us,” Jackson turned on the lights, “you are good at pretending I have to say.”

Mark took a deep breath, trying not to respond to that provocation, “help me to clean it up, or go to the shower already. I don’t want to hear about it anymore.” Mark blew out the red candles and started to clean up the unfinished dinner. He was sure that if he touched the food, he would release a fucking hell.

“Not gonna eat it, Mark?”

How was Jackson even real in this situation? Mark watched him nibbling at the rice cakes, looking so anxious and ready to fight at any minute. It was pissing Mark off, this stupid attitude that he didn’t even know Jackson had until now. They had been through _a lot_ , including jealousy, but Mark had never seen Jackson acting this distanced and ready to fight him till sunrise.

“It’s a shame to throw it away.”

“Jackson, I’m not gonna eat it.” He would feel like an asshole while Yana is probably freaking out somewhere out there, which only brought more anxiety to Mark. He was itching to text her if she was alright.

“You don’t have to cook, though. You said I need food.”

Mark lifted his eyebrow, “are you fucking with me now?”

“Am I?” that stupid attitude didn’t want to go away, and Jackson kept glaring at Mark, the corners of his mouth lowered dangerously.

“Can you stop, please?”

“Stop what?” Jackson leaned against the table.

“Being ridiculous.” Mark stacked the plates on top of each other and placed it back into the cabinet.

Cutlery, napkins, glasses, Mark put it all in its right place while feeling like walking on eggshells. The poisonous atmosphere that was radiating from Jackson was insane. Mark was scared that he would explode at any second. It was like walking around a cloud that was shooting nonstop lightning. Angry and silent, Jackson was the worst combination ever.

Mark paused for a second, thinking of what to do with the food if he should throw it into the bin or bring it to the boys' next schedule. Only this one, short five seconds long moment, was enough for Jackson to snap and throw any of Mark’s judgments out of the window.

“You don’t know what to do?” Jackson snatched the bowl with rice cake and went straight to the trash bin. _Shit,_ it always hurt to see food get wasted like that.

Jackson threw the ceramic bowl into the sink carelessly, shattering it into three big pieces. Mark gasped in shock, startled by his husband’s actions. He couldn’t grasp the moment when Jackson turned so mad and started to throw the dishes full of food into the sink. The porcelain was cracking and breaking, the food flying through the air as he continued throwing things, not caring for a shit.

“Did you lose your mind?!” Mark finally snapped at Jackson when one broken piece of the bowl hit Mark into his shoulder as Jackson throw the stainless-steel tray into the sink.

“Did I?!” Jackson yelled, “how long she’s been coming here?! Helping you with this shit?! How many times you came here at her waiting for you with candles and dinner?!”

Mark opened his mouth in shock, unable to react to such an absurd accusation. He couldn’t get past the fury written in Jackson’s face. After so many years and unfortunate events, this was the first time that Mark had seen Jackson throwing and breaking things. They were exhausted and irritated, separated from each other, and when they could finally spend some time together, Yana had decided to complicate things.

“You know what?” Mark backed away, “I’m going to take a shower, you are going to clean that fucking mess, and I don’t want to hear about this ever again.” He was right behind the corner of the kitchen when he heard Jackson cursing.

“I’m done!” and just like that, Jackson was heading out, “fuck you, Mark!”

“You are _done_?!” Mark went right after him and grabbed him by his shoulder to turn Jackson to face him, “is there a fucking reason why you should be done with me?! What have I done that you started trashing my kitchen and act like you caught me cheating on you?!”

There was the light breaking in Jackson’s face with each of Mark’s words. He went deeper and _deeper,_ sinking into the depths of his delusions and depression, how he wished to find a way how to avoid this mess and hurt in Jackson’s face. Was that even a faulty behavior that he didn’t act heartless and sympathized with the rejected woman? Well, Mark had been there once too.

“Jackson, this is ridiculous! I spend all my time with you or GOT7, how can you even…”

“All the nights, you come back here when she’s with Milo…”

“Jackson!” Mark didn’t let him finish, “ _no!_ stop!”

“How do you think it looks like!” he yelled, “the fuck do you think it looks like, Mark?!”

“Do you have to scream at me?” Mark already felt like his throat was giving in; the air stuck in the halfway as he couldn’t take a proper breath.

“Fuck this mess!” Jackson growled, turning around and looking for something he could break again, “I bet she was all over you all the freaking time! Wearing her fucking shorts and rubbing herself all over you and what you did? Call her back!”

Mark shook his head in disbelief as he watched his husband spitting poison at everything.

“Can you even imagine how I felt hidden in the fucking shadow while she was wrapped all over you?” Jackson’s eyes watered, “like I am your dirty secret! Like this! This will never happen to us!” Jackson pointed into nothing as he recreated the whole welcoming scene for Mark as if he didn’t remember.

“All we do is hiding in bushes and stalking each other like freaks!”

Mark should’ve known that there was much more than the simplest jealousy. It started with the hug behind the studio when Jackson trembled in his arms and didn’t want to let go. It should’ve been more evident from the beginning of the week when Mark rejected sex because he was too tired and had to go home to Milo. It piled up into a tower, and now it was falling apart.

“Can you please say something,” Jackson lowered his voice, “talk to me!”

“What do you want me to say, Jackson? That it’s my fault? Or that I have a solution for everything?” Mark threw his hands up.

“Did you know about Yana?” Jackson tensed, “tell me, did you know she has feelings for you?”

“No.”

Jackson looked into his eyes, “you want me to say that you had no clue about her feelings? That she kept hiding it from you until today?!” he shook his head.

“I fucking knew it!” Mark went rigid. He couldn’t stand Jackson’s anger anymore; it was paralyzing and suffocating him.

“What? _What_ did you know?”

“You don’t trust me!”

It was there. The bomb, a wound that managed to heal only recently, was bleeding again, leaving Mark at its mercy. He didn’t care anymore what would happen to them, if all Jackson wanted to do was blaming and yelling, not giving a slight fuck about Mark’s feelings. First, Jinyoung and Jackson promised him that he would fix things, but he didn’t do _anything_ and continued his delusional behavior until he broke Mark.

Mark was very close to snap and say something he would possibly regret for the rest of his life. He was usually good at managing stress, but not after today, not after the whole month.

“Listen to me,” suddenly, Jackson stepped forward and leaned to cup Mark’s face, “baby, I love you more than anything in this world.”

Well, it didn’t seem to it to Mark when Jackson was yelling and accusing him of cheating on him when only a few weeks ago, they had relationship problems with Jinyoung. This one, however, was way worse. Mark was sure that Jackson was growing damn deep insecurity that could one day overgrow into a serious problem.

“What are you doing, Jackson…” he felt small and insulted in the worst possible way. Jackson didn’t make any sense.

“I promised that I would never hurt you again.”

Mark closed his eyes, feeling his bottom lip trembling. He couldn’t stand the rollercoaster anymore. It was always up and down, never only up with Jackson, but Mark had never blamed him for it. They were two men trying to survive in a homophobic society. He felt every Jackson’s word, sorrow, and desire to experience _casual,_ daily things for every couple in the world. Mark had never wished for anything more than being able to take Jackson’s hand in the middle of the street and walk him into a coffee shop and have a cute date with kisses and hugs.

He failed to give Jackson real happiness.

“I don’t care anymore,” Mark said as he stepped back, letting Jackson’s hands slid back to his body.

“Mark…”

When Mark dropped down on the couch, Milo came barking from the guest room. He stopped in the middle of the living room, glaring at Jackson. Well, that was the last thing Mark needed now, his dog getting all extra.

“Hey, _boy…_ ” Jackson crouched, opening his arms for Milo, “come here, come on.”

At first, Milo refused; he smelled the wooden floor and then looked back at Jackson before he slowly tapped him and let him pet his head. That was a pure betrayal. Mark sighed as he watched Jackson scratching Milo behind his ear.

“I know I startled you. I’ve been yelling at your master.”

Mark balled his hands into the sleeves of his sweatshirt. Right now, they could’ve been soaked in the bath, having a great time, but _no._ Mark had to step on someone’s dog in his past life if this was what he deserved.

“I will never do that again, I swear,” Jackson stood up with Milo in his arms, “I love him dearly. He’s my best friend and my baby.”

It had to be a bad dream.

“Now, I will put you down because I have to talk to my daddy now. I promise I will take care of him.”

Mark frowned at that word. If Jackson was slipping, he had only too little to say or do without causing enormous damage. It was dangerous, but If Jackson thought it would be easy for him after what he has done in the kitchen, he had to be the most naïve person ever. Mark was pissed off, irritated, and too tired to handle Jackson.

“You should’ve listened to me when I told you to clean up the mess in the kitchen.” Mark said, crossing his arm over his chest, “I don’t know why the hell. Do you think I am gonna let that go?”

“Well,” Jackson put the dog down, “I didn’t finish, so there’s nothing to let go.”

“Go on!” Mark shrugged, “suit yourself. Accuse me of cheating and being the shittiest husband ever. Yell at me, trash my house; I don’t fucking care. I don’t have the energy to fight you. I don’t even have a reason to do it since there’s nothing to prove to you.”

“I didn’t accuse you of cheating,” Jackson got visibly uneasy.

“You certainly did. I know how to read between the lines.”

The whole fight started because of that. Jackson had no other reason to snap and throw things if he didn’t think about Mark cheating on him with Yana at some point. He wouldn’t go crazy for them having midnight séance with candles.

Jackson went silent.

Mark knew a lot about jealousy. He could tell stories about his dark thoughts every time Jackson breathed someone’s else air. But even in his most desperate moments, he managed to keep his head cold and don’t hurt Jackson. Right now, their relationship was at stake. It hurt and poisoned Mark’s heart. He wanted to curl up and forgot about the whole evening. No, he was not scared of Jackson, but he certainly wasn’t _okay_ either.

“I didn’t mean it to that extent,” Jackson finally said.

“What extent?” Mark snorted at that, “is cheating for you only when it's about fucking? Is this it?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Then what? Do you think I kissed or touched her?”

“Mark…”

“What do you think I’ve been doing here with her when you decided it was enough to destroy my dishes?”

Jackson looked away, “you know,” he said after a while, “at that moment, I was sure something happened. You didn’t see it from my side. You have no idea, Mark…”

“Of course, I have no idea about anything. It’s not like people are all over you all the freaking time,” he sighed, frowning, “spare me, Gaga, please.”

Mark’s way of copying was probably _wrong,_ but have you ever tried to put some sense into love? Maybe he shouldn’t forgive so quickly; perhaps he should’ve packed Jackson’s things and send him home and talk to him after he’d come back to his senses, but how could he send home his husband? Mark closed his eyes tightly. Marriage life was beautiful; he felt blessed but also possessive. He would undergo anything for Jackson. His love felt like a burning underground mine. Inside, was Mark in constant heat, but on the surface, he could only steam off and cry it out and go back to the beginnings.

When Jinyoung asked him what’s the draught horse of their marriage, Mark shrugged and simply answered _love._ Because no matter how hard it was, by the end of the day, Jackson was there for Mark. If they fought or had silly quarrels, they always ended up in the same bed.

But not today, Mark didn’t know if he could lay down next to Jackson.

He was scared to let him go, scared of losing him, and was so mentally exhausted that he wanted to hide from the whole world.

Since the first day he came to Korea, Mark knew he’s stepped into a horse-shit; nothing was honey-like, nobody babied him, it was terror and fear, but he broke through it, remained positive, and fought the best he could. He could always break down to Jackson and hug him for hours, and the younger would never say a word afterward. Mark believed they were meant to be together, call him a lovefool, a mindless romantic, but you can’t order your feelings around without significant damage to your soul.

Mark would rather look like a fool than die in his head.

All Mark ever wanted was to be happy, but not like this.

Never like this.

“This is so fucking wrong,” he whimpered, not even trying to hide his tears, “I don’t want us to be like this.”

It hurt so much that Mark could feel his body go into a full panic attack. Never he will be able to give Jackson what he needs, to provide him the life he’s been always dreaming about.

“I’m sorry I can’t give you everything you need.” Mark’s senses closed. He didn’t want to hear about anything anymore.

“ _Goddamnit,_ Mark!” Jackson’s voice was broken and filled with despair when he sank to his knees in front of Mark.

Mark knew nothing was wrong with them, but the place and people around them always somehow pushed their expectations into the safe bubble they tried to create. Mark was silent, he looked like someone who needed special protection, but _god_ were people wrong about him. He survived with sharks and lions and gave his hundred to everything, then why it didn’t work with his marriage?

“I’m so sorry,” Jackson pushed himself between Mark’s knees, so he could cup his face, “I didn’t want to hurt you.”

When their eyes finally met, Mark could see the frustration written all over his husband’s face. There was not a drop of malicious intentions.

“I’m so fucking frustrated from everything,” Jackson closed his eyes as he leaned their foreheads together, “so tired of hiding and not being able to give you my all. I’m regretting every damn day when I can’t be with you as you deserve.”

Well, _fuck,_ that sounded awfully familiar to Mark’s thoughts.

“What to do,” Jackson’s hands slide to Mark’s neck, gently caressing the pulse with his thumb, “I’m jealous of people who can be openly affectionate with you.”

Mark didn’t know what to say anymore, so he concentrated on calming himself down. The warmth of Jackson’s body against him was pleasantly working on his nerves, but it still was not enough. As long as Jackson was in high distress, Mark was unable to put himself together.

“I wanted to say something, to do anything when she embraced you like that, but I couldn’t. I will never be able to do _anything._ ”

Their mind connection was _crazy._ Mark could feel the same scale of emotions, read the same page and word without even looking at Jackson. But something was slightly off, something that Mark couldn’t ignore anymore.

“What are you saying, please?” Mark looked down at his husband, “you are the only one who can do _anything_.”

Jackson shook his head, his fingers gently probing the long hair on Mark’s neck, “I can’t stop being scared.”

Mark whimpered at that. He couldn’t stop his heart from breaking any more. Jackson was always more sensitive and passionate and wore his heart on his sleeve like a boy. When Jackson was happy, he wanted the whole world to know about his achievement. He wanted to share his happiness as much as any other extrovert.

It was easier for Mark to wake up every morning and lock his mind from the whole world.

“I know it’s difficult,” Mark said as he laced their fingers and brought Jackson’s hands down from his neck, “but we can’t treat each other like this. Gaga, it’s not our fault. We can’t let people destroy what we have. Years, it’s been years, and I refuse to bend my back for anyone. We love each other. We deserve to be happy.”

Jackson was by now sitting on the carpet, his head resting on Mark’s lap, their hands still intertwined. The pressure of society has been crumbling their sanity, making them feel insecure and unsure about everything.

“I don’t deserve your anger. I didn’t do anything wrong,” Mark let go of one of Jackson’s hands and ran his fingers through Jackson’s hair, “I know you’re sorry, but it’s too late, and the damage is done.”

Mark felt him tense and then moving. Suddenly, the warmth of Jackson’s body was gone, as he pulled away, his expression worse than a beaten dog. He averted his eyes from Mark, unable to even look at him.

“I should go.”

That didn't sound right, but no matter how much Mark tried to fight his head, it didn't work. At that moment, he wished he could be alone and bottle up his emotions: no more hurting or fighting. 

“ _Yeah…_ ” Mark _hated_ his stoic tone. He hated it with his whole being. He wanted to scream and stop Jackson, but at the same time, he couldn't even look at him.

Mark was so weak and temporarily locked away from his husband that he couldn’t say another word. It seemed that nothing he would say tonight would change their situation. So, he watched, sitting on his couch in the dim lights of his living room as Jackson stood up, and without a word, he went into the lobby.

_Useless._

Mark started to cry even before he could hear clicking the door. He was getting insane for Jackson. What the hell happened that he ended up alone in his apartment and with broken dishes in his sink? Where in this was any logic? Why Jackson had to leave him, and Mark didn’t lift a finger to stop him? You don’t let go of someone so precious, right? But also, you can’t fight forever without taking a break. Mark wanted to lock himself and forgot about everything in this world.

He didn’t hurt Jackson; it was not his fault.

But the damage was done, and Mark needed time to patch himself up. In his most vulnerable moment, when Jackson was out of the frame, Mark had only himself.

The fight hurt like a _motherfucker_ and almost broke Mark down.

“Fuck…” Mark wiped his tears with the sleeves of his sweater, “ _fuck this!_ ” The remains of the mascara on his eyes dirtied the lilac cloth. Maybe the blackness was what Jackson felt when he saw Yana after Mark told him that she’s an innocent friend with no intentions at all. As if he could control what people around him think or do.

Mark stood up from the couch and turned off the lights before he headed into his bedroom.

Another sleepless night.

Mark worked on autopilot; take off your clothes, take a shower, brush your teeth, apply moisture, take aspirin, and go to sleep. He came out of his bathroom, wearing only boxers and Jackson’s shirt. Mark set up his alarm at 7 AM and changed the duvet's blankets since he was about to spend the night alone without any additional heat. Before he got to bed, he checked on Milo, purposely avoiding the messed kitchen. That was something he would have to wake up earlier for; to clean the floor and the mess in his life.

Tomorrow was another day.

Only if he could've fallen asleep so fast as were his intentions, he kept glaring at his phone, feeling like shit for not even trying to text Jackson. All he wanted as he was digging his fingers into the pillow was to hear Jackson’s voice calling his name, saying any other words than _‘I should go.’_ The indecision was tearing him apart. Everything felt empty, cold, and distanced from him. What was music, who was GOT7, what was idol life? Mark hated himself with a passion.

Fuck it all.

He wanted his husband back.

Mark fell asleep late, after exhausting himself with negative emotions.

It was definitely after midnight, maybe two in the morning, when Mark felt the mattress dipping and a familiar fragrance crawling under his skin. He was too sleepy to react better than let out a tired sigh. But back in his mind, he recognized the familiar warmth and shape of the body pressed against his back. Only Jackson could bring into an absolute sedated state.

“I love you,” was whispered into Mark’s neck, and before Mark drifted back to sleep, he could feel Jackson’s arm tightening around his waist.

Mark prayed that it was not only a dream.

**Author's Note:**

> You make it here. Good.  
> Thank you so much for reading. This angst was needed to clean my soul.  
> Thank you for your comments and ♥  
> find me on twitter: @foxiejung


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